day eight: surrender
Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position. But certainty is an absurd one.
-Voltaire
Welcome to Week Two! This week we will continue to focus on the self and then transition to our relationships to other people and the world. When our relationships are challenged, many of us feel destabilized. Strong and communicative connections can make everything better, even a global pandemic.
Few things have made us have to face how little control we have like the events of the last year.
I received a text from a dear friend who lives with his infirmed father, an ex-con and an unemployed chef. The four men range in age from 51-80. To my friend, safer-at-home seems like an oxymoron. Luckily he’s maintained his sense of humor.
Have you noticed signs everywhere lately? Updated information. Rules and reminders. Well my friend made a sign of his own and sent me a photo of it. With thick silver duct tape, he stuck a drawing on the door of a circle made with black Sharpie. Inside the circle, it read: within my control—my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. Outside the circle, it read: things I can’t control—EVERYTHING ELSE.
Maybe you can relate. I know I can. I wish I’d been given this sign earlier in my life—had it tattooed on my palm or face. In college, I secured a summer job by April because I couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of three empty months looming ahead. I finished college at twenty and immediately got a job while friends went backpacking into the wild unknown. And then I had a child, and quickly discovered you can’t control anything. But even then I found a way to control what I could by going from the world’s messiest person to the world’s tidiest one.
When my son went to college, I tried my usual approach of controlling and planning. I put a contract on an old house in Upstate NY, gave notice on our place in California and left my corporate job. Then the house fell through and I had to accept that I have no control. We never do. We only have the false belief that we can control things.
That’s when I started to employ a new way of living. I made fewer plans. I let life come to me rather than orchestrating everything. I gave myself permission to break plans when I knew I needed rest. Allow and surrender became go-to mantras.
Reflective Journal Prompts
Draw a circle of your own. What specific situations or feelings would you put on the inside of your circle as things you can control and what specific situations or people would you put on the outside of your circle as things you can’t control.
Now that we’ve been forced to embrace the unknown—what actions or attitude could you bring into your life when the regular pace returns?
Discussion Prompts
Talk about what aspect of relinquishing control has been surprisingly delightful—it could even be not wearing a bra or not shaving everyday.
Suggested Action
Spend a day controlling as little as possible. For children, decide on a certain period of time and let them be the boss. Do whatever they dictate.