day three: numb
Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Have you ever tried to play the notes on a clarinet wearing mittens? Or pick up something with your toes while wearing shoes? It doesn’t work too well. Yet this is what we do when we try to navigate life in a numb way. I get it. Life is hard, especially right this very minute. We’ve created and installed more and more ways to numb ourselves out of the now and into oblivion, thinking that tomorrow with its hopeful promises might arrive sooner. There used to only be alcohol and food. Nicotine and the newspaper. But now there’s porn available 24/7, endless scrolling on Instagram (I confess), round-the-clock news and the worldwide web.
We don’t ever have to be alone or present. There’s no quiet walk from the subway. You can’t even pump your gas without having information and noise thrust upon you on a screen. And the less time we spend alone with our feelings – with what Pema Chodron calls the hot loneliness – the more we fear it. If you want to know what you really feel, remove whatever you’ve been using to numb yourself and observe. Over the past year, many people have been forced to do this. For those of us who are addicted to busyness, we’ve had to be still, and this can be hard.
But here’s the rub: we can’t be numb and have a fulfilling life. No way. No how. We have to meet our feelings head on. It’s the only way. We have to invite them in – all of the feels – the pleasant ones and the painful ones. The extent to which we’re willing to live a full life is directly commensurate with how willing we are to let go of the things that numb us. It’s no wonder that so many people like Brené Brown, Malcolm X, Glennon Doyle and countless more find their greatest success or power after getting sober.
From heartbreak to betrayal, from shame to unworthiness, from loss to regret, and every feeling in between, life can be terrifying, but there’s something worse than the most terrifying feelings, and that’s being numb. Only with full access to our feelings can we know our purpose and live our potential. We can be fully alive — and fully alive people can do anything—even change the world.
Reflective Journal Prompts
What are the ways that you numb yourself? At what age did you install these numbing agents and why? Over this past year, have you been numbing more or less than usual?
What are the feelings you find most uncomfortable? What would be possible for you if you didn’t have to work to keep those particular feelings at bay?
Discussion Prompts
Ask someone if they’ve been numbing themselves during this time and, if so, what fear or emotion are they trying to protect themselves from. Offer to listen. For children, notice the ways they might be numbing (screen time and sugar are top contenders) and see if you can be more attentive to their real feelings.
Suggested Action
Give up something you use to numb yourself and observe if there are feelings or needs that you’ve been masking.*
Further Reading
In 2012, I wrote a Modern Love essay for The New York Times about what numbness costs.
* If you suspect you have an addiction and need resources, please contact me.